Was Lonely Planet drunk when it rated Adelaide?

Welcome to Awesomeville. Source: Supplied

ADELAIDE is better than your city. Radelaide kicks your city's butt. We know this because some publicity-starved travel guide that no one buys anymore just said so.

And they're right. Truly, Adelaide is a modern marvel. A city with the bitchy, prying vibe of a small village yet all the amenities of a bustling, dysfunctional metropolis.

Where else in the world do you have the choice of being gored to death by sharks or bored to death by some wannabe literati in a small laneway bar - all on the one unbearably hot day?

We could go on and on about how awesome Adelaide is, but then we'd sound like someone from Adelaide. So instead, we'll keep this simple. Here are 12 reasons you simply have to visit.

Tourism South Australia, take the afternoon off. We've done your work for you today.

The bike race with really interesting scenery

Hills. Grass. Alpe D’Huez, eat ya heart out. Source: News Limited

One day they ride over grassy hills. The next, it's hilly grassland. The Tour de France France may have the Alps and the Riviera and 1,000-year-old chateaux, but the Tour Down Under has some of the world's most excellent grassy countryside over seven straight days. Because grass is interesting to look at.

You may not be eaten by a shark

There is a certain sadness when you dip your toes upon the fine silty grey sands of Glenelg, for in a sense it signifies the end of Adelaide. The good news is, only sometimes does it also herald the end of your life. Swimmers on Adelaide's beaches have occasionally been known to emerge from the water without a Great White Shark attached to their leg, and that's just another reason why the city's fame has now justifiably spread worldwide.

Fashion

His politics were to the left while his... yeah, anyway Source: NewsComAu

Forget Milan and Paris. Adelaide is where it's at. This town is a true trend-setter. People in Adelaide were wearing long hipster beards long before they became popular. Many of these people were also partial to large, noisy motorbikes, but that's beside the point. Even the politicians in Adelaide are fashionable. Check out this kit from former SA premier Don Dunstan in the '70s. What the black-and-white image doesn't show is that the shorts were pink. Of course they were.

The freeway to nowhere

You know what the problem is with so many modern cities? It's not that there's not enough infrastructure. It's that they don't use it properly. See, but they've fixed this problem in Adelaide with an ingenious thoroughfare called the Southern Expressway. The Southern Expressway is reversible. That means it only goes one way at any given time to accommodate peak hour traffic flows. Annoying if you want to go the beach in the morning, but a not-to-be-missed masterstroke of modern urban planning nonetheless.

The cellar door experience

At least it doesn’t cost to drink in the views. Source: News Limited

Some Adelaide region wineries are now charging as much as $5 for the same wine-tasting experience you can do anywhere else in Australia for free. While some have interpreted this as small-minded and scabby, connoisseurs understand that Adelaide is a classy place where people are prepared to pay for the best. You want to attract tourists, you've got act like you're worth paying for. Adelaide understands this.

The weather

What's not to love? It's either 44 degrees and unbearably hot or 11 degrees and unbearably cold. This is why Adelaide is renowned for its galleries, its bars and its thriving embalmment scene which was so memorably portrayed in the movie Snowtown.

Those excellent markets

Minstrels serenade shoppers as they select their celery. Just not on Sunday. Source: News Limited

The Adelaide Central Market is a terrific place where you can buy anything from smallgoods to goods that are small. It is a vibrant hub of colourful vendors selling local produce and it's open all week long except Sunday, when most people want to go. Part of Adelaide's charm is that it's a city that knows how to tease.

Elizabeth

No visit to one of the world's great cities is complete without an excursion to some of its neighbourhoods. When in New York you simply must visit Harlem or the Lower East Side. You can't see Paris without a walk around the 16th arrondissement and Montmartre. When in Adelaide, you simply must put Elizabeth North on the list as a must-see destination. This humble community has a unique collection of artisans and quirky characters, some of whom are even free to walk the streets.

Sport

The lights change to red, so Port Adelaide fans cross the road. Source: News Limited

Adelaideans love their sport, and are renowned as Australia's most discerning fans. A wide range of winter sports is played in the city, including AFL, AFL and also a little AFL. Fans of the Adelaide Crows are known as toffee-nosed snobs who head for the nearest bottle of sauvignon blanc the minute their team is more than a goal behind, while some fans of Port Adelaide actually have teeth. But not many.

The fringe festival

There are some who say this is just an excuse to get really drunk in the park while watching B-Grade acts because no decent act ever makes it to Adelaide. But those people just don't understand.

The Coorong

Scenery unparalleled anywhere in the world. Pic Graham Crouch Source: News Limited

This ecological marvel consisting of swamps, salt-marshes and mile upon mile of unswimmable beaches lined knee-deep with pelican poop is revered by locals. Not that they ever go there or anything. You won't either, but it's comforting to know it's there.

The vibe

The minute your plane touches down in Adelaide, you know you have arrived at a place unlike anywhere else. The terminal building is white. It has a car park. There are roads that go to the city. The city has many medium sized buildings with a few taller ones. Truth is, there really is nowhere in the world like Adelaide. Except for all those places that are exactly like it, but this story isn't about them.

NOTE: Since you all asked, the author grew up in Canberra but lives in Sydney because he enjoys sitting in choking traffic all day. He would also appreciate it if you lent him five dollars to buy his lunch because the mortgage on his tiny Sydney cottage is so huge. Ta.

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